Covert Narcissistic Abuse: Main Signs and How to Protect Yourself

Both overt and covert narcissists engage in behavior known as “narcissist sulking.” This manifests as petulant, childish behavior when and if things don’t go the way they want. They’ll give others the silent treatment or withhold any kind of emotional attention or affection. Covert narcissism is a type of narcissism—more formally known as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)—that is characterized by introversion and subtle manipulation. This can include behaviors that may not be obviously harmful at first, but that accumulate over time. Whether you realize it or not, your covert narcissistic tendencies have probably hurt many people close to you.

Emotional Neglect

People with vulnerable or covert NPD are very sensitive to criticism. They may perceive insults where others do not and are likely to become defensive easily. They may act in a vindictive or passive-aggressive way if they believe that someone has slighted them. You also can join a support group designed specifically for people who have been in relationships with narcissistic people.

• The good news is that narcissistic personality disorders are treatable conditions—and there is always hope for improvement.
• Unfortunately, they may not have experienced positive examples of genuine love and emotional safety during childhood.
• Indeed, environmental factors like stress or childhood experiences—including negative interactions or excessive praise—are suggested as possible causes that can lead to narcissistic personality disorder.
• Although it can be difficult, you should also try not to take their behavior personally.
• People with covert NPD have commonly experienced traumatic events that give them a negative view of the past.
• Eventually, you may feel undervalued or traumatized depending on their treatment of you.

Tip 1: Keep a realistic view of the relationship

This may be because low self-esteem is often the reason for these behaviors, as one study highlighted when looking at the connection between cyberbullying and covert narcissism. Narcissists have a hard time responding to criticism, even when they’re in the wrong. But while an overt narcissist might come off as combative, a covert narcissist will be defensive.

They don’t have long-term relationships

Although people can be predominately vulnerable or grandiose in their presentation, the other side lurks close behind. This journey is not about erasing your past but about learning from it to build a healthier and happier future. The road might be rocky, but you’ve already proved that you have the resilience to navigate it. It’s important to remember that while your past has shaped you, it doesn’t define you. Acknowledging these traits is the first step towards healing and growth.

They might try to test those boundaries or respond with subtle acts of meanness. They’re reacting because your boundary setting has threatened their ego. A combination of genetics and childhood experiences may cause this personality disorder. Narcissists want you to take it personally because that is how they maintain leverage.

How do I know if someone is really a narcissist or just has narcissistic behavior?

They may try to drag you into their problems or make you feel guilty for not supporting them enough, which ultimately would cause a conflict between the two of you. Dealing with a covert narcissist can be draining, especially because their behavior is often subtle and confusing. You may find yourself constantly doubting your narcissism and alcoholism own feelings or wondering if you’re overreacting to their actions.

Covert Narcissist Test: Am I A Covert Narcissist?

• While some people with narcissistic traits can improve with self-awareness and therapy, it’s rare for covert narcissists to change their behavior on their own.
• It’s extremely stressful to be in a relationship with someone affected by any form of narcissism, according to Pereira.
• When you think of narcissists, you most likely think of loud and boastful personalities.
• Furthermore, they’ll have learned that they can’t trust anyone because those they were vulnerable with ended up betraying them.

The items in that last point are classic covert narcissist discard signs to be aware of. Others may include being secretive about their communications, such as preventing you from looking at their phone or computer, spending more time away from home, and distancing themselves more. These types of narcissists seek out (or are drawn to) people who are in unhappy relationships or marriages, in difficult financial circumstances, or are dealing with issues such as low self-esteem or disability. A 2020 study from Germany 5 showed that those with vulnerable (covert) narcissism are prone to suppressing their emotions, leading to distress including depressive disorders and anxiety. This emotional suppression also prevents them from feeling other emotions such as joy, which in turn can intensify their depression. The slight criticism might make the covert narcissist give up on whatever they were doing to avoid getting criticized about it ever again.

Maintain healthy boundaries

You may find articles on the internet that list traits for covert narcissism or provide multiple choice tests to determine if you are a covert narcissist. The truth is, this disorder is best diagnosed by a mental health professional. Often, people may be in long-term relationships with covert narcissists and not realize what they are experiencing is manipulation until emotional hurt is caused or the relationship ends. Covert narcissists can find it very hard to deal with both their own strong emotions and the emotions of others.4 Feelings like shame, envy, and rage can be particularly hard for them to handle. This is especially true when they feel self-critical or think they are failing or losing control in social situations. Because of this, they might avoid emotional interactions and withdraw from others to protect themselves from these overwhelming feelings.

When they are in a relationship, they often demand a near-constant level of attention. If someone isn’t giving them sufficient attention, they may lash out in anger or threaten suicide or self-harm, which has been linked to covert narcissism. It’s not that covert NPD necessarily causes someone to try and hide their symptoms from others, though. Instead, their personality just makes them display behaviors and traits in different, more subtle ways. Many people with this covert NPD are emotionally fragile and try to avoid social interaction.